"Be happy!"

"Be happy", I honestly always repeat those two words in my mind. Why? Because I don't know how to be happy. Yes, physically I look extremely happy and I laugh at everything. But deep inside, I am not happy. Or, I'm sometimes happy but I don't know if I'm really happy. It started when I came into the new world called Highschool. For me, highschool isn't a happy-go-lucky chapter of our lives, it's full of stress things. I wasn't happy since my panic attack started when I was freshmen, I usually say no at everything. But I'm trying to say 'Yes' whenever my friends are there, because I don't wanna be called "kill-joy freak". Actually, saying "No" in something makes me feel missed out, like I just missed something because I was thinking that maybe my panic attack will attack. And, I just missed out something that is very important and it's suppose to be a very wonderful memory I could ever had but it didn't happen and will never happen because I said 'No' due of my panic attack. (Not good at all) Highschool is where you start to fall in love with someone and when it turned out something that you wouldn't wish to happen but it actually happened, and that is 'getting hurt'. Love will always hurt you. Let us call it a puppy love because we're still young, but whatever love was that.. it's still love, you still have fallen in love with someone. When you got hurt, you'll be all like "I wish I've never met her/him", then you became bitter, then you got matured. You realized that life isn't easy and it's unfair sometimes, but the thing is you have to control it. This actually happened to me when I was sophomore, I was the heart broken girl but then I stood up with my head held high and started to move on, because that's the only thing you can do to leave your past. I realized that life is a mess. Highschool has a lot of complicated subjects, subjects that you'll never do in your civil life. Like, algebra will never count how many apples you have in your fridge because algebra has a lot of complicated counting of letters. There's a lot of 'first time' in highschool. Right? First time to fall in love. First to time to cheat in exams. First time to feel those butterflies in your stomach. And etc.

Life is unfair, mess, complicated, stressful, and other negative terms. But it is something that has given to you, and it's your responsibility to make it wonderful because you're the one who is controlling it. Lets accept the fact. That's the reason (I think) of why am I unhappy. Because I'm trying too hard to make my life beautiful, but life itself is messing it up. I can't handle it anymore then I started to panic and my anxiety started as well. Panic attacks and anxiety is tearing me into pieces, it's ruining me.   

Those two girls are my wonderful sisters. The one who's wearing a superman logo shirt is my younger sister, Fhar. While the one who's wearing the 'sexy seniors' (its her batch shirt) is my eldest sister, Amina. They are always there no matter what problems I have, though they are not comforting or giving me advices, I always know that they are there for me and that's what really matters. I'm having my vacation with them at home. When we're having a chitchat, you can't imagine how talkative we are. Like "Yes yes! I know that! And then...". They always makes me happy even just 'bout little things. Spending time with them will never be worthless, because I have this rare feeling when I'm with them, feeling that I'll never get from anyone. They are very special to me. Unfortunately, my sister Amina will leave Riyadh because she's going to college in the Philippines. And I'm an incoming Senior student and will be leaving Fhar soon. (Haha! Loner jk) I love them so much ♥

So, this past few weeks my anxiety is getting worse. Everyday it's attacking and it's awful. I told my sister Fhar about it and since she already knew, I feel like there's someone there for me when my anxiety is attacking again because honestly I can't handle it all by myself (maybe I'll go insane, and soon be meeting my new friends in Mental Hospital). I recently sleep in the living room because I don't feel like sleeping in the bed room. And, Fhar is sleeping with me in the living room which is sorta sweet, haha. I also told Nikki (my girl friend) about my anxiety and panic attacks. I told her every reasons why I am sad at night because usually my anxiety is attacking at night that's why I can't sleep and I sleep like 3-4 am which is not good at all. She constantly give her wonderful-nonsense advises, but sometimes her advises make sense, fortunately. It actually helped me. We always talk via Viber or Skype. I remember one night when I and Nikki is skype'ing when my anxiety was attacking, I was so exhausted and I cry all the time. Wait, does that mean that she makes me cry? No (I guess), I just miss her, I miss Mira. 

I feel really lucky having those wonderful people in my life. The Swangets, my family and especially my very trusted girl friend Nikki. Because she's always there to remind me that I should force myself to go to sleep, she always tease me (though it's not true, hahajk), she's there when I need someone to talk to and for payback I wrote a speech to her in Viber, it was from the bottom of my heart, that I was very thankful to have her in my life. I guess, I have hundreds of reasons to be happy.. I have my friends and family, they must be the reason why I put a smile on my face. I just hope that I can find my true happiness. I hope that my panic attacks and anxiety won't attack anymore though I doubt that'll happen, I know that I can't get out of this crap but at least I have to fight over those craps. I have to be happy for myself. 

By blogging this, I realized that I really have tons of reasons to be happy. Its just, I'm the problem. I didn't realized that I have those wonderful people in my life and I should be contented. I just hope that I will be really happy though my anxiety and panic attacks is always there to ruin me. Or, there are people who wants me to fail, I won't let them. 

I won't let my anxiety and panic attacks ruin me.

I will be happy, soon, for sure.

♥

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031113: Presentation day

(Maeidah, Nikki and Nermin)

(Alpine and Princess)

(Me, Nikki and Princess)

(Me and Nikki)

Our English teacher assigned each one of us which country we suppose to present. It's actually a research paper, and mine was Nigeria. I researched about the Nigeria's poverty and I presented it. I honestly have no experience at presenting my research paper, at first I was so nervous but I'm trying not to show it to them. My teacher's comments about me was:

• She likes that I'm confident (wasn't expecting that, I thought I really looked nervous)
• She likes that I'm great at memorization (I actually memorized almost all that was written on my presentation)
• I MUST WEAR A BELOW KNEE DRESS FOR ME TO LOOK SOPHISTICATED. (I have no choice but wear that dress, because my 'below knee' dress was all over black and I am not allowed to wear black clothes in school because I'm a COCC)

"Those are the only comments I remember"

Above all of the comments whether its good or bad, she said that it doesn't matter if we are not still 'pro' to present something like that, what matters is she trained us and she hope that we've learned something since we're an incoming senior and we must be ready for our thesis presentation. Oh! She's Ma'am Sheila, I will never forget her. She's our adviser when we were sophomores. And she's gonna leave Riyadh and go to the Philippines for some reasons which is complicated.

031013: See you later Ms. Nez!

We Mira, as well as Ma'am Jo (our adviser) prepared a farewell surprise for Ma'am Nez on her last day in school. Ma'am Nez is our Computer, MAPEH and TEPP teacher since we're freshmen. We (all of us Mira as well as Ma'am Jo) doodled on a huge illustration board or foam board, and as you can see, there's a huge girl with braces, eyeglasses and a stamped 'superman' logo on her shirt and has an ombre hair. Well, that's how we describe Ma'am Nez. Each one of us wrote a short message on the poster (I wrote on the heart balloon). On the left huge balloon, it was written there "Basically, unfortunately, GIRLS" - she always say those words, especially the 'unfortunately' one, and she always scream "GIRLS!" if we're naughty, she's fooling around, or if we make her laugh. On the right huge balloon, "Girls! Bigyan niyo ako ng Mama and Cold bodies!" (Girls! Give me the Mama and Cold bodies!), well that phrase is unforgettable because we were talking about the movie, she wants us to give her a copy of Mama and Cold bodies, at first we're confused of what's 'Cold bodies' and we thought that it's 'Warm bodies', then we teased her about that and we laughed our asses out. Like the whole classroom laughed (unforgettable).

Describe Ma'am Nez / Some memories with her:

• She's been our teacher in Computer, MAPEH and TEPP since freshmen. When I was freshmen, every MAPEH class, I, as well as my classmates ask Ma'am Nez for PE (always). And she will always reply to us "Gusto niyo ng P.E?! Habulin niyo muna ako!) (You want P.E?! You must catch me first!" then, she run out of our classroom and we are really trying to catch her but the funniest part is Remity's (my classmate) hilarious run, he runs like a robot. Idk, he's always like that. And when all of us gave up on catching her, Remity is still trying. 
• She wants to handle us (girls section) as class adviser ever since we're Sophomores besides the MOE (Ministry of education) separated boys and girls when we're Sophomore, but she was assigned to the other section (our boys section). 
• She loves Superman so much. She actually has a white shirt where it has a superman logo, and she also has a varsity jacket where there was written "Superman" at the back. Kuya Steve also has one, I guess kuya steve gave that varsity jacket to her if I'm not mistaken.
• She's somewhat moody. She's scary when she's serious. I remember, when Maeidah was trying to make her laugh, Ma'am Nez obviously faked a smile. I don't like when she's like that. Oh! I remember when she came into our classroom, she looks like she's mad. So the whole class was *kroo kroo*. When the class was going on, she unexpectedly said "Girls! Bakit ang tahimik niyo? Hindi ako sanay." (Girls! Why are you so quiet? I'm not used to it.) I was actually shocked that time and someone said "Eh akala po namin galit kayo e." (We thought you're mad). I think that explains how moody she is, I guess.
• She cares for us. She handles our batch for 2 school years, so she was attached to us. Every performance we had, she's always there to support us. She's always there whether we won or lose a competition, she's there cheer us up. Actually, when I had a problem with my ex, she was there for me. The next day before we broke up with my ex, she talked to me. She told me that she's always there when I want to talk with someone else, she told me to move on, she told me to be happy and above all of what she said, the most memorable two words she told me was "Be happy", she hugged me and I hugged her so tight, my eyes was actually teary when she hugged me.
• She'll fight for us. I remember, it was Field Demonstration so we had a performance and it was a competition. We're supposed to be disqualified because there's a time limit for the music, the duration of our music was 7 minutes plus seconds, and the limit was 7 minutes exact. We only knew that it should be exact 7 minutes was on the day that we're gonna perform. BUT IT'S STILL SEVEN FREAKING MINUTES, BULLSHARK, WHY ARE THEY MAKING IT SUCH A BIG DEAL?! STUPIDITY. Oh well, she fought for us. She told the one who was playing the music that it's still 7 minutes and we shouldn't be disqualified, they argued about it. But in the end, we still performed and got Second place.
• She's a cheer dancer. She was a cheer leader on her school when she was on college (or highschool), she said that they had different cheer competitions and she performed for several times. She taught us some of their basic steps for our cheer dance performance for the Olympics awarding. And she also taught us some of the steps for our field demo performance. She's really a dancer.
• She loves shopping. She's actually always updated if there's sales on some malls here. She also once mentioned that for one year, she didn't repeat an outfit. Well, that's explained how much she loves shopping and it makes us imagine how freaking many clothes she have.
• She loves make-up. There's no day that she's not wearing a make-up, even just a foundation. She showed us pictures of her make-up collection, it was soooo many. I think, she has hundreds of lip glosses. I can't explain how many her make-up was. SHE HAVE A LOT OF MAKE-UPS! She's the one who make us (girls) up when we're about to perform, and she does it very well.
• She has ombre hair. I was so jealous like I wanna cut her hair off and paste it on my head. When she came to our classroom, she bragged her new ombre hair and I was like "AAAAAAH! I REALLY WANT THAT! AAAAAHH!".

I think, that explains how nice she was to us.

We will always treasure the memories we had together

We will always love her

We will always miss her

We will always be her 15 little sisters

We will always be her family

We will never forget the name 'Nez'

And, she'll always be our Computer, MAPEH, and TEPP teacher

We had thousands of memories with her, and I can't just blog them all. I already miss her. While I was typing this, I'm actually teary eyed because it's painful how I thought that we'd probably not see each other again. But I promise that I will never forget her. I love her so much no matter what. She'll always be in my heart, she's Nezri Lynn Galleon Urbanes. <3

See you later Ma'am Nez! We love you! <3

Junior batch 12-13: Swangets

Juniors are divided into two sections called Mira and Lyra. Mira are for girls while Lyra's for boys. Though we're separated, I can say that we're still close with each other. It's just, the Ministry of Education here is very strict and they want to separate boys and girls. We just have to accept the fact that we're separated. We can't do anything anymore to stop them. (Sadly)

Lyra's names:

1. Alec Galvez
2. Zakey Zailon
3. Justine Bacud
4. Michael Santos
5. Cj Santos
6. John Durana
7. Farouk Omar
8. Jireh Pendre
9. Bien Jayag
10. Danrev Dapat
11. Aaron Luna
12. Jhonalson Lugada
13. Ronwel Santos
14. Edrian Bartolome
15. Arsenio Bohol Jr
16. Hendrex Dantes
17. Mohammad Malic
18. Abdullah Malic
19. Jeremy Magpayo
20. Angelo Pascual
21. John Balang
22. Rhonor Arasula
23. Mohammed Mazher
24. Sameer Lutian
25. Mark Calma
26. Aj Imbat
27. David Gacayan
28. Felixberto Acorin III

Mira's names:

1. Fahda Aburkair (That's me)
2. Nikki Enriquez
3. Nicole Leuterio
4. Katrina Lavarias
5. Rehana Mama
6. Meshael Albani
7. Giann Ponce
8. Jubilee Ang
9. Elwynne Tablon
10. Princess DeVera
11. Nermin Until
12. Joan Machate
13. Alpine Tabor
14. Maeidah Modin
15. Ann Tahil

According to the highschool teachers, our batch is the most kind-responsible-quiet batch in highschool. So they are expecting that the incoming seniors will be the nicest one. I really hope that we won't disappoint them, but we can't predict the future. Plus, Lyra wants to go 'YOLO' next school year, and we, Mira, is nervous about that. 

When our teachers announced that boys and girls are really separated and must not talk with each other, we really felt sad. I was really upset by the news, it ruined my whole day like I don't wanna talk that time, it's so painful that I've been very close to Lyra, they're like my brothers from different parents. I have 28 brothers from different parents?! That's ridiculous. I wouldn't lie that if ever that happens.. it would be amazing and I'd love to, because they're special to me like no one can ever explain how much they are special to me. I love each one of them so much. I don't know why I feel this way but they're really good friends, really. Though some of them are jerks and that's inevitable.
When it was MAPEH (or Computer) class, Ms. Nez told us that when Lyra received the news, they also felt sad. Which is really flattery, because we are not expecting that. I thought they won't react that much, like they won't care. We've decided to video call with each other via Tinychat (I would like to thank Tinychat for making their site. Thanks!). 

We weren't complete on tinychat but it's alright cause what really matters is we've seen each other even though it's only a video call. That's how strong our relationship! We started the video call around 7 pm and it ended at 2 am. Some of them slept while the camera was on and I am one of them. I didn't care what will I look like because I was so sleepy, so I slept while the camera was on. My friend Nikki told me that I looked dead while I was asleep, cause I was sleeping straightly (I'm always like that!). I've learn something from Lyra that time, it was the 'Math time'. At first, I was really confused and when I understood it, I was laughing my ass out. Math time means sleeping time. Because our teacher in Math is so boring and we'd rather sleep than listen to her discussion. It was rude but really funny. I was the Ms. Duty at our video call, because I have duty the next day and I should be awake at around 5 am and I slept at 1 am. You can't imagine how exhausted I am at my duty.

I will really miss my boys especially our campus is separated already. I think we won't see each other next school year, but I'm willing to attend their Graduation. And I hope that we'll still see them while our senior year is still going on, I really hope. I actually miss 'The Swangets' already. I miss them all. I miss Lyra and Mira. I miss the incoming seniors. I actually noticed that are relationship is getting stronger since the MOE separated us and I hope that are relationship will remain strong. 

I LOVE THE SWANGETS! <3

About The Blogger

Hello reader! I'm Fahda Aburkair and people call me Fads. I'm a 17 years old college student taking up BS Business Administration and I do love blogging. I document my life, recommendations, thoughts, and random stuff here. In simple terms, I blog about myself. Well, the main reason why I blog is because I want to read back all of these after several years of blogging. And I just want to point out that this blog will only last up to early months of 2018. InshaAllah. And yes, I'm a very nostalgic person but in a good way. I love reminiscing good times and remind myself everyday that I am blessed and I have such colorful life. I hope you do as well.

Here are some extra information about me.

Vital Statistics:

• Name: Fahda Aburkair
• Birthday: July 14, 1998
• Place of birth: Riyadh, KSA
• Zodiac sign: Cancer
• Male or Female: Female
• Residence: San Roque, Zamboanga City, Philippines
• Screen name: fadsaburkair

Appearance:

• Hair colour: Black
• Hair length: Medium
• Eye colour: Brown
• Best feature: Eyes and eyebrows (that's what they said)
• Height: 5'1"
• Braces: Never
• Glasses: Nope
• Piercings: Ears
• Tattoos: None
• Righty or Lefty: Righty

My 'firsts':

• First bestfriend: Monique Inciong - Grade 3
• First award: I forgot
• First sport I joined: Badminton
• First real vacation: Jeddah, KSA
• First love: A.B Jr

Favourites:

• Movies: Love Rosie, Avatar, Clueless 
• TV Show: Arrow, The Flash, Teen Wolf, Pretty Little Liars
• Colours: Silver, Gold, Bronze
• Song: Thousand Years - Christina Perri
• Candy: Snowbear
• Restaurant: McDonalds and Peking 
• Store: Centrepoint, H&M, Bershka, Forever21, Victoria's Secret, Penshoppe
• School: Riyadh Int'l School, Al Jazeera Int'l School Dammam, Universidad De Zamboanga
• Book: Stargirl - Jerry Spinelli
• Magazine: Candymag, Cosmopolitan, Preview
• Shoes: Converse

Future:

• Want children?: Ofcourse, 4 specifically.
• Want to be married: Yes
• Careers in mind: Business woman, Traveller
• Where do you want to live?: Dubai or London

Have you ever:

• Kiss a stranger: I have, it was a little girl and it was on her cheek
• Had alcohol: Never
• Smoked: Once when I was 7 years old, I just tried it
• Broken a bone: Never
• Broken someone's heart: Yess..
• Broke up with someone: Si 
• Cried when someone died: I haven't
• Cried at school: Yes yo

Do you believe in:

• God: Yes. 
• Miracles: Kind of
• Love at first sight: Yes. Daniel Padilla made me believe at love at first sight. Lol!
• Ghosts: Nope
• Aliens: Nope!
• Soul mates: Yes I do.
• Yourself: YES DEFINITELY