STOP BULLYING

First of, I want to say that I'm not trying to seek for attention for myself, but I seek for someone or anyone that could understand. And open their mind that bullying is not good, at all. It isn't funny, it doesn't make you feel good, and it is not right. This might be a cliche blog, but right now, I just want to do my part and spread positivity. I just want to make myself proud, because I know I tried and did my best.

Our Parents are Blessings

"Our parents are blessings, don't delay showing them love. 

We don't know how long we have this blessing for."

-Dr. Bilal Philips

Recently I've been so positive since I went to Davao, and I spent a wonderful time with Mama and Papa. I realized that they have been giving me so much love unconditionally. I admit, I used to not bother about these kind of stuff, firstly because I'm not a showy person and I avoid drama. But this isn't actually drama, this is pure love that I will forever be grateful with. I am way too far from becoming a good daughter. I disappointed them SEVERAL times, besides I've made a huge mistake that I will never forget but never regret, basically because I've learned from it and it made me realized that as much as I messed up, it is as much as they stood by me, forgave me, and made me thankful because it happened. Without that experience, I won't be the person I am now, a person who think positive even though life is a mess. 

It's sometimes sad that I've realized their unconditional love and sacrifices when I'm already 16 years old, it should be earlier. But God has reasons, at least though I've already realized and understood every thing, Thank God. As long as I live in this world, I will continue to serve them and show them love the best I could. It's my turn to give them love they deserve and be a good daughter, a better daughter. Their smile in the photo above won't fade because of me. I'll make you proud, Mama and Papa.

Please whoever is reading this, and you still have parents. Please do show them love, they may be annoying and push you to your limits. Trust me, as it might sound cliché, it's what's best for you. They want what's best for you because they love you. Yes, our generation is different from theirs, but the thing is they still know what's best for us. No matter how far our gaps compare to them, they have been on this journey as well, and they do understand. Although sometimes we're a bit of annoyed because they keep on comparing their generation to us, but I have realize that it's right. Our generation is a complete messed up craps, and their generation was much better. It's good to look back at their generation because honestly they've got better journey of childhood and adulthood. They just want us to be a better version of ourselves, avoiding the ugly things our generation has and looking at the brighter things. We will not be a better person in our generation if we let our generation or society eat us. We can be better as long as our parents are beside us, to guide us. No one can tear us down as long as we believe that no matter what happen, our parents know the best for us.

I am just so thankful that I have my parents beside me, although Papa works abroad, I still believe that no matter what, we still remain in one piece. No words can actually explain my feelings right now. Satisfaction, contentment, happiness, practicality, and feeling blessed every single second of every day. I just feel so blessed that hate doesn't come my way anymore. I know there will always be bad times, but the most important thing is my parents or my family is here beside me. That's the most precious gift God could give me, and I'm eternally grateful. Besides it was just a bad day or week, not a bad life.

Thank you for everything Mama and Papa. I love you both so much.

New Year, New Chances

Happy New Year! Another year has passed again, I can't even imagine how fast it was. Another year for another "New Year" blog. How was your 2014? Mine was unpredictable. It was concoction between awesomeness and disappointments. Otherwise, 2014 was still a nice year although 2013 was more way better. Since I've already done loads of speech and flashbacks from my last year blog. Now I would like to share some of my "2015 Reminders". Maybe, you're now like "Oh you won't gonna achieve most of it." and I will be like "No, not most of it, just half of it." Just kidding tho. Well, instead of resolution (although I thought this would be alike with), I wanted to do a list of reminders which will remind me to be a better person than I was these last few years. Especially 2014, I was woo a whining baby. Maybe it's a good time to start living.

"Less Junk Foods, More Veggies"

I know, I know. I suck at eating veggies, but I thought that it won't kill me besides it'll help me to live more. I mean, bigger chance to meet death late.  And did you know, that I've been trying to eat veggies? Oh yeah, that's right, be proud of me. Come to mommy! After all, I know it's for the best. So you must hope and I must hope that I'll be eating more veggies this year and so on. Time to live a healthy lifestyle!

"Less Soda, More Water/Tea"

Yes I can drink soda everyday. But when I did that, I can actually feel how my body went weak. It really did. I felt like my bones and muscles are melting and I didn't bother to move more, and my legs were so weak. I can also manage a day without drinking anything, I swear. And I know, it's a very unhealthy habit. I'm trying to change that because water is very healthy for my body and skin. And tea is very healthy as well. I actually love tea but I barely drink it. Soda is a satan. Yes to Water & Tea!

"Less Lazing Around, More Working Out"

Sticking with healthy lifestyle. I remember on my semester break, I thought every night of every day of my semester break that I'll go for a jog in the morning and give more effort to exercise. But no, instead I went for a walk, 6 laps with Mama in one morning. That's it, such a big disappointment. Nothing more. Main reason was the existence of being lazy. 

"Less Procrastinating, More Studying"

Everyone already did "the procrastination". If you said that you didn't then you're a big fat liar. I'm actually a huge follower of procrastination clan although I don't think there's a clan for that. Since I'm a college student, I must focus more on my studies and get rid of distractions. Especially love life, ugh ew. I know I'll regret I said that, I still hope it won't be on my college days. Less distractions for good grades. Agree with me? This is college we're talking about. *snap*

"Less Negative, More Positive"
I've been reminding myself several times to think positive. Basically thinking positive helps us all the time. To have courage, to have hope, and to believe in yourself. Although negativity is inevitable, it's always our choice to choose between negativity or positivity. I recommend you choose positive. You don't want to get stuck in the hell of negativeness. It'll kill you. I know sometimes it's hard, but always always think positive. It's the most important weapon to live life. 

"Less Ungratefulness, More Gratitude"
We are given life, and for that we have to be thankful because we are so blessed. There are so many people out there that eat once a day. And we, we waste our foods if we lost our appetite. There are so many people there that lacks mostly things that we take advantage of. Sometimes it's a big deal for them and some of us just waste it. In everything, we are blessed. Less complaining would be very helpful for you to appreciate small things you have. In every way, we are blessed. Always be thankful.

Maybe there are still loads of reminders out there that I should have wrote here but I realized that I can't handle much pressure to achieve them all. Because I know I suck at it. I always have reasons or rather excuses not to do it. And I know it's not recommendable in my situation. Yes, I'm trying to change that bad habit because it's for the best. I hope this will be helpful for me, and for you as well (in some way). I'm still hoping a magical year for 2015. Add on, it's always our choice to make it wonderful. Challenges are inevitable and unpredictable but it's how we handle it that matters. It's always our choice. It's always us. Do not forget to reminisce good times of 2014 before welcoming 2015. It'll be a great year, I'm telling you.

Good luck & Happy New Year!
"365 days, 365 chances"

Dream Big

I know a lot of you doesn't think about this as much as I do. But my dreams helps me in a lot of things especially when I'm feeling down or stressed about school. I admit, I used to not think of this before and just go on with my life, and believe that whatever happens happens. But no, you have to dream, a positive one. You don't wanna live your life with no ambition and no vision of your future. I know we can't predict it, but at least vision your life as a successful human being and you are very happy. Isn't that amazing? I also know that we are not always happy even though we always wanted to be, but life isn't perfect and you are not perfect. If you haven't thought about this, or you're having a hard time to pick your specific ambition. I'll attempt to give you a little help. 

First, do not expect too much that these are going to happen. A little negativity helps you to not expect too much so that you won't get hurt too much in the future. But hey, hope is what we really need to achieve our goals. Second, there are a lot of stars in the sky, there are millions and billions of them, so why limit your dreams? You can dream countlessly like those stars up in the sky, no one is stopping you. Third, work hard, this is the hardest part because don't lie.. we all have laziness in ourselves. But work hard and stay motivated. 

Nothing is impossible. If it didn't happen to you, it wasn't meant for you.

These are the lists of my specific big dreams 

Dubai: This is not everyone's dream place to live in. But this is mine, I don't know why this country caught my heart. I want to live and have a stable job in this country. And own an apartment with my best friends Nikki and Yasmin.

Graduate in college: As a college student, we all wish to graduate and we're hopeless sometimes because college pressure as a lot. This is our parents dream for us. And besides, this is a huge step to a better future. Profession is a must.

Business: I want to have my own little business. I'm not expecting that it will be huge but hopefully it will. I haven't had in mind of what specific business it will be. But business is good because I believe it will help you if you have struggles with money.

Husband: No, I'm not rushing it. But hello, what if I'll end up single my whole life? Not everyone is lucky to have their partners in life. I don't wanna live my whole life alone. So future husband, hello there! Haha!

Kids: NO I'M NOT RUSHING THIS AS WELL. What if I wasn't lucky enough to have kids? What if? We have no idea how my hormones work. 2-4 kids is all I want. No more, no less.

Travel: Don't you just want to travel as much as you can? To explore? To be adventurous? If you haven't think of this yet, well now you just did. I bet everyone has their lists of countries they wanted to visit. 

Those are the only ones I can share, since I don't wanna explode everything to the internet. But I hope I helped you on how to vision your future and have dreams in life, because it's the most important thing in life, I think.

Last advice: Don't give up. Nothing is impossible as long as it exist. 

"Everything happens for a reason"

Firstly, I want to apologise my face. I'm a bit haggard on those photos, but I have no choice, I have to post it since those are the only 'fine' photos I got from yesterday's little photoshoot (by myself). Or, if you don't want this blog post to be plain and no photo blog.. Well, you have to deal with my face. Thank you.

"Everything happens for a reason" is my forever motto. I do really believe on those five words, it's just, that phrase is powerful. When I'm in a rough situation, I always tell myself that everything happens for a reason, no matter reason was that, if its good or bad reason, it's still a reason. I remember, when I can't stop faffing and I just couldn't handle it so I cried.. Then think that everything happens for a reason, I just repeated and repeated those phrase until I calm down. Afterwards,I received a great news but I won't give any detail about it cause I think, you're not interested at all. I think, that you should believe in those powerful words, it'll help you as much as it helps me. You won't regret it. And, if it didn't work for you, here are some of my favourite quotes:

• Believe in yourself - I don't usually believe in myself a lot, but I'm trying anyway. But I think, it would work on you.
• Be the best version of you - I think, this is my second favourite motto. When you think you're worthless (you are not worthless), just do something that'll make you happy. Do whatever you want though it's worth it or not. You'll continuously realise who you are, and start loving who you are. You're different, you have your own version of yourself. For sure, you'll love it.
• Just say YES! - I got this from a YouTuber, and realised that "Yeah! I should". Saying yes to things that you haven't done before is the best feeling ever, as long as it isn't bad no-oh, otherwise you'll end up regretting it. Saying no to things makes you predict what will happen, but when you say yes, you'll have no idea what'll happen: if it'll turn out great or not. But if it doesn't turned out great... Well, at least you tried!
• Keep on trying - similar with "Just say yes". Try and try until you succeed! I bet everyone say that. Trying is sometimes hard, but you have to do it if you don't want to regret at the end. But don't force yourself a lot, you must know your limits cause you might end with "Try and try until you die." No-oh!
• Push yourself to come off that shell - You must come off your shell, if you want to enjoy life. Self confidence is very important, but you must use it in a good way. Cause it's not good at all if you'll end up as a arrogant person. Know your limits.Wreck your shell!
• Don't let mental illness win - If you have mental illness like me, you must hold on this quote, really! Fight for yourself. If you want to be happy, don't let your mental illness win. Be happy!

That's all for now. Additional information: I blogged about this like an hour ago but blogger wasn't cooperating with me and just took away my blog. It frustrates me so much! But I think, blogger get their crap together already. Anyway, I hope this helped some of you. Hopefully! Puh-lease.

Thanks for reading!

♥

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"Be happy!"

"Be happy", I honestly always repeat those two words in my mind. Why? Because I don't know how to be happy. Yes, physically I look extremely happy and I laugh at everything. But deep inside, I am not happy. Or, I'm sometimes happy but I don't know if I'm really happy. It started when I came into the new world called Highschool. For me, highschool isn't a happy-go-lucky chapter of our lives, it's full of stress things. I wasn't happy since my panic attack started when I was freshmen, I usually say no at everything. But I'm trying to say 'Yes' whenever my friends are there, because I don't wanna be called "kill-joy freak". Actually, saying "No" in something makes me feel missed out, like I just missed something because I was thinking that maybe my panic attack will attack. And, I just missed out something that is very important and it's suppose to be a very wonderful memory I could ever had but it didn't happen and will never happen because I said 'No' due of my panic attack. (Not good at all) Highschool is where you start to fall in love with someone and when it turned out something that you wouldn't wish to happen but it actually happened, and that is 'getting hurt'. Love will always hurt you. Let us call it a puppy love because we're still young, but whatever love was that.. it's still love, you still have fallen in love with someone. When you got hurt, you'll be all like "I wish I've never met her/him", then you became bitter, then you got matured. You realized that life isn't easy and it's unfair sometimes, but the thing is you have to control it. This actually happened to me when I was sophomore, I was the heart broken girl but then I stood up with my head held high and started to move on, because that's the only thing you can do to leave your past. I realized that life is a mess. Highschool has a lot of complicated subjects, subjects that you'll never do in your civil life. Like, algebra will never count how many apples you have in your fridge because algebra has a lot of complicated counting of letters. There's a lot of 'first time' in highschool. Right? First time to fall in love. First to time to cheat in exams. First time to feel those butterflies in your stomach. And etc.

Life is unfair, mess, complicated, stressful, and other negative terms. But it is something that has given to you, and it's your responsibility to make it wonderful because you're the one who is controlling it. Lets accept the fact. That's the reason (I think) of why am I unhappy. Because I'm trying too hard to make my life beautiful, but life itself is messing it up. I can't handle it anymore then I started to panic and my anxiety started as well. Panic attacks and anxiety is tearing me into pieces, it's ruining me.   

Those two girls are my wonderful sisters. The one who's wearing a superman logo shirt is my younger sister, Fhar. While the one who's wearing the 'sexy seniors' (its her batch shirt) is my eldest sister, Amina. They are always there no matter what problems I have, though they are not comforting or giving me advices, I always know that they are there for me and that's what really matters. I'm having my vacation with them at home. When we're having a chitchat, you can't imagine how talkative we are. Like "Yes yes! I know that! And then...". They always makes me happy even just 'bout little things. Spending time with them will never be worthless, because I have this rare feeling when I'm with them, feeling that I'll never get from anyone. They are very special to me. Unfortunately, my sister Amina will leave Riyadh because she's going to college in the Philippines. And I'm an incoming Senior student and will be leaving Fhar soon. (Haha! Loner jk) I love them so much ♥

So, this past few weeks my anxiety is getting worse. Everyday it's attacking and it's awful. I told my sister Fhar about it and since she already knew, I feel like there's someone there for me when my anxiety is attacking again because honestly I can't handle it all by myself (maybe I'll go insane, and soon be meeting my new friends in Mental Hospital). I recently sleep in the living room because I don't feel like sleeping in the bed room. And, Fhar is sleeping with me in the living room which is sorta sweet, haha. I also told Nikki (my girl friend) about my anxiety and panic attacks. I told her every reasons why I am sad at night because usually my anxiety is attacking at night that's why I can't sleep and I sleep like 3-4 am which is not good at all. She constantly give her wonderful-nonsense advises, but sometimes her advises make sense, fortunately. It actually helped me. We always talk via Viber or Skype. I remember one night when I and Nikki is skype'ing when my anxiety was attacking, I was so exhausted and I cry all the time. Wait, does that mean that she makes me cry? No (I guess), I just miss her, I miss Mira. 

I feel really lucky having those wonderful people in my life. The Swangets, my family and especially my very trusted girl friend Nikki. Because she's always there to remind me that I should force myself to go to sleep, she always tease me (though it's not true, hahajk), she's there when I need someone to talk to and for payback I wrote a speech to her in Viber, it was from the bottom of my heart, that I was very thankful to have her in my life. I guess, I have hundreds of reasons to be happy.. I have my friends and family, they must be the reason why I put a smile on my face. I just hope that I can find my true happiness. I hope that my panic attacks and anxiety won't attack anymore though I doubt that'll happen, I know that I can't get out of this crap but at least I have to fight over those craps. I have to be happy for myself. 

By blogging this, I realized that I really have tons of reasons to be happy. Its just, I'm the problem. I didn't realized that I have those wonderful people in my life and I should be contented. I just hope that I will be really happy though my anxiety and panic attacks is always there to ruin me. Or, there are people who wants me to fail, I won't let them. 

I won't let my anxiety and panic attacks ruin me.

I will be happy, soon, for sure.

♥

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