"Be happy", I honestly always repeat those two words in my mind. Why? Because I don't know how to be happy. Yes, physically I look extremely happy and I laugh at everything. But deep inside, I am not happy. Or, I'm sometimes happy but I don't know if I'm really happy. It started when I came into the new world called Highschool. For me, highschool isn't a happy-go-lucky chapter of our lives, it's full of stress things. I wasn't happy since my panic attack started when I was freshmen, I usually say no at everything. But I'm trying to say 'Yes' whenever my friends are there, because I don't wanna be called "kill-joy freak". Actually, saying "No" in something makes me feel missed out, like I just missed something because I was thinking that maybe my panic attack will attack. And, I just missed out something that is very important and it's suppose to be a very wonderful memory I could ever had but it didn't happen and will never happen because I said 'No' due of my panic attack. (Not good at all) Highschool is where you start to fall in love with someone and when it turned out something that you wouldn't wish to happen but it actually happened, and that is 'getting hurt'. Love will always hurt you. Let us call it a puppy love because we're still young, but whatever love was that.. it's still love, you still have fallen in love with someone. When you got hurt, you'll be all like "I wish I've never met her/him", then you became bitter, then you got matured. You realized that life isn't easy and it's unfair sometimes, but the thing is you have to control it. This actually happened to me when I was sophomore, I was the heart broken girl but then I stood up with my head held high and started to move on, because that's the only thing you can do to leave your past. I realized that life is a mess. Highschool has a lot of complicated subjects, subjects that you'll never do in your civil life. Like, algebra will never count how many apples you have in your fridge because algebra has a lot of complicated counting of letters. There's a lot of 'first time' in highschool. Right? First time to fall in love. First to time to cheat in exams. First time to feel those butterflies in your stomach. And etc.
Life is unfair, mess, complicated, stressful, and other negative terms. But it is something that has given to you, and it's your responsibility to make it wonderful because you're the one who is controlling it. Lets accept the fact. That's the reason (I think) of why am I unhappy. Because I'm trying too hard to make my life beautiful, but life itself is messing it up. I can't handle it anymore then I started to panic and my anxiety started as well. Panic attacks and anxiety is tearing me into pieces, it's ruining me.
Those two girls are my wonderful sisters. The one who's wearing a superman logo shirt is my younger sister, Fhar. While the one who's wearing the 'sexy seniors' (its her batch shirt) is my eldest sister, Amina. They are always there no matter what problems I have, though they are not comforting or giving me advices, I always know that they are there for me and that's what really matters. I'm having my vacation with them at home. When we're having a chitchat, you can't imagine how talkative we are. Like "Yes yes! I know that! And then...". They always makes me happy even just 'bout little things. Spending time with them will never be worthless, because I have this rare feeling when I'm with them, feeling that I'll never get from anyone. They are very special to me. Unfortunately, my sister Amina will leave Riyadh because she's going to college in the Philippines. And I'm an incoming Senior student and will be leaving Fhar soon. (Haha! Loner jk) I love them so much ♥
So, this past few weeks my anxiety is getting worse. Everyday it's attacking and it's awful. I told my sister Fhar about it and since she already knew, I feel like there's someone there for me when my anxiety is attacking again because honestly I can't handle it all by myself (maybe I'll go insane, and soon be meeting my new friends in Mental Hospital). I recently sleep in the living room because I don't feel like sleeping in the bed room. And, Fhar is sleeping with me in the living room which is sorta sweet, haha. I also told Nikki (my girl friend) about my anxiety and panic attacks. I told her every reasons why I am sad at night because usually my anxiety is attacking at night that's why I can't sleep and I sleep like 3-4 am which is not good at all. She constantly give her wonderful-nonsense advises, but sometimes her advises make sense, fortunately. It actually helped me. We always talk via Viber or Skype. I remember one night when I and Nikki is skype'ing when my anxiety was attacking, I was so exhausted and I cry all the time. Wait, does that mean that she makes me cry? No (I guess), I just miss her, I miss Mira.
I feel really lucky having those wonderful people in my life. The Swangets, my family and especially my very trusted girl friend Nikki. Because she's always there to remind me that I should force myself to go to sleep, she always tease me (though it's not true, hahajk), she's there when I need someone to talk to and for payback I wrote a speech to her in Viber, it was from the bottom of my heart, that I was very thankful to have her in my life. I guess, I have hundreds of reasons to be happy.. I have my friends and family, they must be the reason why I put a smile on my face. I just hope that I can find my true happiness. I hope that my panic attacks and anxiety won't attack anymore though I doubt that'll happen, I know that I can't get out of this crap but at least I have to fight over those craps. I have to be happy for myself.
By blogging this, I realized that I really have tons of reasons to be happy. Its just, I'm the problem. I didn't realized that I have those wonderful people in my life and I should be contented. I just hope that I will be really happy though my anxiety and panic attacks is always there to ruin me. Or, there are people who wants me to fail, I won't let them.
I won't let my anxiety and panic attacks ruin me.
I will be happy, soon, for sure.
♥
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